By HERMIE BELTRAN

How many candles do you burn each time you prepare for an examination? And how many piles of notebooks and books do you have to go through line after line, page after page? Don’t look at me that way now. I know. Hey, be careful not to forget the footnotes, the charts, and the glossary, too. Memorize all the formulas. Solve all the problems. You should really hit the mark, or your struggles in impressing that goddamn professor of yours during recitations will only turn useless. Sayang lang. Drink more two tumblers of coffee. Aha, kulang ang isa lang. If not effective, place your feet in a basin of water to keep you awake. You should not fall to snoring. Or else …

Is the flat one really that elusive? C’mon, fellow scholarship-chaser, think like a genius, think a dozen times. Don’t you know that your tactics towards tumbling on a straight flat one are already outmoded and unsuitable in this fortunate age of Apolos and moonrocks? All you need is the cunning. It’s not that new a technique, actually. Do away with those dozen candles, boxes of notebooks and that bottle of Nescafe. You know, scholarships are not that expensive nowadays.

Simple lang ang technique. It is highly recommended for people who still believe that the end justifies the means. It is for scholarship-chasers who prefer the least effort for a big prize. Try it. It has been tried and guaranteed to protect you from tears over a discouraging test score, and from sleepless nights of thinking about ways of making up. As I said, simple lang.

Ganito. The technique starts during the registration. As early as that. With the use of the sked of classes pamphlet, look through the professors who teach the subject you want to take. If you are inosente or ignorante at walang kaalam-alam, the professors will look beautiful to you. UP naman lahat yata ‘yan, you will say. Of course, but actually, the list of professors under English 5, for instance, offers a wide range of choice. Assorted yan. Kumbaga sa Magnolia, may crunch diyan, may ube, may popsicle, may ice-cream. Iba-ibang klase. What I mean is, UP profs are not all the same. Siyempre! Hindi lang sa looks and intelligence. May genius, may super-genius, etc. This should not be your concern though. You should be after the temperament of your prof-to-be. 

First, he should not be a “terror.” The moment you take one of this kind, begin learning to bid goodbye to the beautiful butterfly called scholarship. Choose one that is very patient (mabait) and approachable (madaling lapitan). Do not choose eccentric ones if you could not adjust easily. They might throw you into the mud. But then how will you know who is the “terror” and who is the “mabait?” Ask your friend. If you have no friend, ask your neighbor. If he does not know (and is as inosente as you are), consult other students. But don’t ask your adviser. It’s very risky, you know. Do this selection-elimination method in all your subjects. Remember: Puro mabait lang, ha?

And one more give priority to the one who is a high-grade-giver (mataas magbigay). Never mind the old ones who adore giving 3s and 2.75s. After all, what are you after? It’s the grade that counts in a scholarship, di ba? 

To guide you in playing the game safe, here’s a simple but useful primer on professors. Remember that the ability to “psychologize” the good professor is the key to the door of flat ones. Professors may fall under any of the following types:

The poetic. This one is the pa-recite-recite and he is very conscious of words, words that roar when he speaks about thunder and words that sing when he talks about flowers. One has to have adequate vocabulary during exams and even recitations. You usually find these in the humanities department. Don’t give them first priority.

The joke-cracker. Where he is, the laughter is. Stay on his sunny side. He can offer an assortment of jokes: from green to corny. This type is worth considering.

The tsismosa. Ask her about the private lives of Shakespeare, Liz Taylor and Van Gogh and presto! Para kang nagbabasa ng komiks. Human interest talaga. These can be goddamn interesting, but some can be hazardous.

The bookish. He can be very detailed and can talk like a tape-recorder. Beware!

The self-conceited. He is the authority in all aspects. He is the center of the right and the truth. He is born to be better than anyone else. Also, beware! Under him your cerebrum might shrink. 

The carabao-driver. He gives assignments in bunches. If they were flowers, you would surely die of fragrance. One wonders what kind of machine she uses to check all those term papers. Or does she ever take a look at them. Be careful in picking one of this type.

The terror. Your last choice.

The mabait. Your first priority.

Then on the first day of classes, don’t be late. If your prof does not come, don’t brag. Wait. He usually comes late specially if it is a class in the fourth floor. When he collects the card, begin smiling. If he does not smile back, it is all right. When he lectures, take as few notes as possible, but don’t be blank. You don’t have to recite. If you’re called, don’t say “I don’t know.” Just say “I think …” and pause there. He’ll continue the answer. Make it a point, however, to talk to him after class. Ask him some questions on the lesson. Try to understand the answers. But don’t be stupid. You might only show your inattentiveness during the lecture which may insult him. So better be careful. The more important thing is that you get close to him. Yun bang para kang nagpapalakas sa kanya. Oo, ganon nga. Do this throughout the semester until you get close to him. And foget all those old techniques. Ayos lang.

The list of professor types above may still be extended. What is important here though is that you understand how each prof thinks and how he does things so you can go along with him all right. It is he who is important because he is the one who determine if you catch the butterfly or not. After all, it is what you earn that constitutes your earnings. And it is the giver who determines how much you earn.

Just in case you happen to stumble by mistake or out of the absence of alternative on some of the unwanted types mentioned, you’ve got to use all your capabilities of adjustment. Go with the wind. If he is poetic, be poetic; if he is self-conceited, give in to satisfy him; if she is a tsismosa or a joke-cracker, join in.

After having followed these guidelines sincerely, you will certainly find yourself no less than a robot in the end. And the butterfly you would have caught then might even be ashamed of you. What with that almost empty coconut shell you would be having by then. ●

Published in print in the Collegian’s July 17, 1973 issue.